Big Hairy Deal…

Almost all of my radiation treatments have been in Treatment Room 1 (there are four treatment rooms), and so for the most part I have the same three or four people who give me my treatment each day. Every so often, someone new to me is working my treatment room, or I have my treatment in a different room. Yesterday, one of these new-to-me people gave me the best compliment! Remember I told you (back in January) that they took my picture the day they were setting me up for my radiation treatments so that they would recognize me in the waiting room? Well, yesterday this lovely lady said to me “I hardly recognized you from your picture - you have so much more hair now!” I was so jazzed to hear that!!

I have actually been working on a blog entry since the weekend about why losing my hair was so difficult. For sure, it was one of the hardest parts of this journey for me. Today I would say that losing my hair was harder than losing a breast. Funny eh? I wanted to try and explain to you (to myself?) why this was the case…and it turns out it’s a little more difficult to articulate than I expected.

I had a lot of people tell me I looked great in short hair, that I had a great shaped head, that in a few months my hair would grow back and how exciting to find out what it might be like when it did grow back. It was so heartwarming to get all this support and love during a time when I definitely did not feel like myself. And I truly appreciate it!! The thing is, while I’m grateful that I looked OK in short hair and that people thought my head was nice and round…I really hated that I didn’t have any choice about losing my hair.

I have been reading a book recently called "Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips" and had some enlightenment as to why losing my hair has been so hard. Even on days when you feel good and strong and energetic, when you look in the mirror and see your bald head, you remember you are sick. And it sucks. When you look in the mirror and you see how bald you have become, and how funny the few wisps left on your head look, you remember you are in the fight of your life. And this is when it can get tough to not feel sorry for yourself. I’m proud of myself for very rarely going down that road (a few moments…for sure….but I never hung out there for any length of time!!). It stunk that every time I left the house (or answered the door), I had to grab a hat so as to not frighten the children or get the looks of sympathy from people as they walked by you. Even with a hat on, I sometimes still got those looks…and believe it or not, they can make you feel worse!

I have never really been one to fuss over my hair. I prefer a wash and run kind of style...but that, of course, is when I have the choice on how my hair will look. It was really difficult for me not to have the choice. With chemo (for breast cancer anyway), you lose your hair. And I mean, all the hair on your body. At the end of chemo, I still had some very thin eyebrows and about six eyelashes left, but pretty much all the rest of the hair on my body was gone. OK...there are some benefits in not having to shave your legs or your pits...however I'd prefer hair on my head to not having to shave.

It has been over three months since my last chemo treatment. I have hair!! And I'm so happy and proud and relieved!! I’m back and forth about what I will do with all this new found hair on my head…one day I plan to let my hair grow and grow and grow, and the next day I'm thinking about my first haircut!! Ahhh…to have some choice!!! I will even leave the house now without a hat!!

I was worried in doing this blog about offending those of you who were so supportive of how I looked with little or no hair. Please know that I am grateful for your support and willingness to speak openly with me about my hair (or lack thereof). I hope this blog entry doesn’t make you question that.

I got this beautiful basket of goodies from my old roommate, Kim, who lives much too far away now!! Thank you, Kim! So special to receive such a wonderful package full of things I love....mmmm....chocolate!!!

I’m just sitting here waiting for my Dad to arrive. He is coming to spend the day with me. I’m going to take him on a tour of the Cancer Centre and he’s going to check out what happens when I go to radiation. And than tonight we are going to the Ranger game!! It’s going to be such a great day!!

xoxoxoxoxox