Yes...it's been almost a month since my last blog entry. I had so much I could have shared leading up to Christmas, and I just haven't had the steam to sit down and type and tell my story. I'm going to try today...
Let me start with MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with your families. Mine is not over yet. Lauren and Alex just arrived yesterday, and this morning I am patiently waiting for them to wake up so we can open our stockings and gifts. Later today, the rest of the Austins are arriving for some family Christmas celebration. I'm glad our Christmas was delayed by two days, the 25th was not a very good day for me. I slept. A lot.
It also doesn't feel like Christmas to me yet because I haven't talked to my sister. They decided to go south a week before Christmas and just got home yesterday. I hope I get to talk to her today!! And I can't wait to see my family a little later this week!
A few weeks ago we had a very large (100 foot) tree taken down. Have you ever watched someone take down a tree in the city? They climb way up to the top of the tree and start sending down chunks. Big chunks that you feel the vibration from when they hit the ground. So, Tree Guy is way up this huge tree in our backyard and I can see the tree swaying back and forth...way up there...and I decide I'm not going to watch Tree Guy take down the tree. I did take a photo with the intention of sharing it with you, but you can't really tell it's a man up there...and you can't really tell how high up he is. So, I'll leave it to your imagination!
I was at Matt's Christmas party and was very happy to see lots of familiar faces and they had lots of wonderful things to say to me, along the lines of "You look great!" and "So good to see you!". Someone I've known for a long time (and am quite fond of) asked me if I was done treatment. I told him (with a big smile), that yes, I had completed my treatments the middle of March. He nodded and said "So, 100% then?" I felt completely deflated. Trying not to show it I said "Well, I'm doing really well. I'm just struggling a bit with fatigue and have to really pace myself". His response back to me was "And how is that any different from me being tired at the end of the day?" I was inspired by his comment. I'm sure there are lots of people who have never experienced fatigue, and so maybe don't understand that it isn't just about being tired after a long day. I thought maybe I'd try to explain it...and then maybe it'll make more sense why I haven't blogged lately, why I made short appearances at some Christmas parties and why I've been a bit of a recluse lately...
I think the main difference for me, between fatigue and being tired, is that it doesn't go away. A good night's sleep doesn't really refresh me. It gives me strength, and it definitely helps, but I still feel like I could sleep for hours. I am tired down to my baby toe. I have lists of things I want to do, and most things on the list feel like huge obstacles to overcome...not easy items to just cross off. I'll give you an example...I started my Christmas cards with my friend Jodi the last week of November. We got them almost done...seriously, another hour and they'd be finished. I just didn't have the focus/energy/where with all to do it. Finally Matt helped me finish them a week or so ago (he's great at taking direction with glue in hand!!). And we got them out. He sat beside me at the kitchen table and attached address labels and stamps and sealed them shut. We did a few each day last week...so when you receive your card this week, you'll know I've been trying since the end of November to get them out!
I'm glad to be on holidays now until January 3rd. The trick is drinking tons of water and not doing too much. So, what constitutes too much? Well, on the 24th I thawed the turkey, made lunch for Matt and wrapped some gifts. It was too much and I was down and out almost all day Christmas day. And it frustrates me that that is too much.
Mostly, I'm tired of being tired. I joined a new gym that opens this week (the 30th). It's less than five minutes from our house. I'm hoping some time at the gym (on my schedule...whenever I want to go), will help with the energy. I know the weather (hello winter!) and the festive season probably don't help either. I'm just trying to take everything into account, listen to my body/mind/spirit (and Matt) and pace myself. I suck at it. But I think I'm improving.
The good news is, it's the best time of the year! The World Juniors are on...and so far Canada is looking really good!! Go Canada Go!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoox
2 comments:
hugs kiddo... I understand that feeling. I hope its not something that plagues you for much longer. Looking forward to lattes in the New Year. xo
I think it's hard for anyone to understand anything that they haven't been through. And some people are just better at empathy than others... and not saying stupid things.
I think when we hear "treatment over" it means you're all better now. What we fail to think about is the incredible battle your body went through during those 9 months (??) of treatment and exactly what that treatment entailed (putting poison in your body, removing a piece of your body, radiating the hell out you!). No wonder you still struggle with fatigue, you might have a clean bill of health, but your body is still healing.
Thank goodness you are so good to yourself and you have Matt's wonderful support. You're always an inspiration, my friend xo
Post a Comment